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Old People

My hilarious friend, Lynnann, inspired this short post on some funnies about my grandparents. Mine are not nearly as hi-larious as hers, but I wanted to share. (Go read hers to give you a few chuckles for the day. She's on my blogroll over there to the left. Look under "blog" then "dearie".)

I only have one funny about my grandfather today. He passed away in December, and for some reason, I can only think of the sweet and wonderfulness of him right now.  However, once, about 10 or so years ago, my friend Thad called my grandparents house because we were both in town.  Oh, I need to mention that my grandfather was deaf from WWII. He could sort of hear if you were in the same room, but it was still a long shot. So, back to the funny. Thad called. My grandfather answered. Thad, forgetting that he was deaf, asked for me. My grandfather: "Andrew? Is this Andrew? If this is Andrew come help me unload this truck. If this isn't Andrew, please call him and tell him to help me come upload this truck." Click.  Later when I talked to Thad, he was a mix between giggles and guilt because he had no clue who Andrew was and couldn't call him. 
Ok, more to come about PaPaw in the next few months. Now onto the matriarchs.

My two grandmothers are complete and utter opposites in size, personality, heart, everything.  My maternal grandmother is my heart and soul, probably because I'm so much like her.  However, I don't have anything too super funny about her just because she's pretty hip and with it.  She is very into appearance, which really gets under some of my aunts' (and mom's) skin but makes the rest of us crack up. She'll tell you just how you look and how you need to fix it.  The funniest thing about my grandmother, Mimi, is that she loves to watch reruns of The Jeffersons, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and Sanford and Son (is that even still on?). Do you see a common theme? She also cusses like, well, you know the old cliche. The funniest and most embarrassing time she cussed was the day that Ryan's mom passed away.  I ran home from the hospital to get some things (I really don't remember what or why) along with my sweet non-cussing sister-in-law and sweet, non-cussing 3rd cousin-in-law. This was the day when we still had an answering machine. My Mimi said something like this: "Jennifer, you little shit. You never answer the phone. Well, I'm sorry about "Rhine's" (this is how she pronounces "Ryan") Mom. Bye."  She is so hilarious and so kind-hearted, even though she tries to hide that part of her. 

My other grandmother, on the other hand, it so tiny and fragile and consumed with herself.  I love her, don't get me wrong, but she is so tightly-wound that it's very hard to talk to her.  Can you guess just by "tightly-wound" whose mother she is? ;)  Anyway, she is always telling us about her colon. No really, that is usually what it's about.
BUT, the funniest thing about her lately, to me, is that she thinks Kelly Ripa is Regis's daughter. Why, you ask? Because Kelly calls him "Big Daddy" sometimes. Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now.

This has to be one of the most random posts I've ever written, but thank you, Lynnann for making me laugh at my own roots.  And if you haven't already, you have to go read Lynnann's posts about her Dearies's comments during the MJ memorial yesterday. You'll be begging for more!

Where do I start?

I started this blog several years ago just to vent, journal, and talk about my adorable children. However, I've sort of dropped the ball this year. Mostly, I just didn't have anything funny or positive to say. Nice, eh? I've now been dreading starting back because this chronological orderly side of me (yes, there is one in there deeeeeeep deeeeeeep down) thinks that I have to update you on the past year, which is just impossible.
So, for those 2 of you who read this, I'm just going to start writing what's on my mind at the moment and see if I can pick this blog thing back up.

Here goes...
We moved into an adorable little rental about 6 weeks ago. I LOVE IT. I really do. I don't know if I could ever buy it because there isn't room for my junk (literally), but I do think it's cozy and simple and has a great backyard.
Anyway, you'd think downsizing would mean not needing anything, but it doesn't! We are using Ry's college TV stand right now and need several pieces of furniture. Who would've thunk?
So, while shopping at the junk stores for furniture that I could re-purpose and make look live-able, I spent way too much on stuff that I don't absolutely need (and found no furniture, by the way).
Here are two of my fun junky purchases:

The Juice King. ;) We LOVE this thing! It juices like no other. It IS the JUICE KING, hands down.

And these are in my favorite avocado green color. Yum. They're still a little dingy, even after washing them in vinegar and  Oxyclean. Any suggestions?

And while I'm on the loose of posting nonsense pictures, here is a way-too-easy window treatment I did after looking at this blog.

I only spent about $2 on upholstery tacks and used a yard of fabric I already had. I didn't glue, sew, or anything else. It really does need something else. I'm going to be on the lookout for some cute fringe to add.  I've also already ordered 2 more yards of this fabric for the other window in my kitchen.

As I'm trying to be so frugal, I'm finding that my house is going to be one hodge-podge of a mess. My home is so very important to me, so I obsess over it way too much. I just need to win the lottery so I can buy more junk at the junk stores (no, not so I can go buy real furniture and window treatments. That would just be boring and way too easy!).

Blog-ugh

Hello? Anyone still there? I haven't blogged in a very long time and probably wouldn't still if it weren't for all of my fans begging me to press on (thanks, Karen! LOL).  If you haven't ever read this blog, please know you just have to assume the sarcasm in every other sentence.

I haven't had anything inspiring or down-right funny to tell, and let's face it, who wants to read anything else? I'm not knocking those blogs that are heart-felt and serious or update on every detail of your boring day. No, sometimes I need a good cry or another reason to slit my wrists. However, I'm just not in the need of anymore sadness or monotony in my own life.

Since my last post, we've moved our lives to the Southwest town of Barely-Texas, El Paso.  We both have jobs here, the kids are in an asi-asi (See, I'm so good at Spanish now) school, and we have a pretty simple life. My daily commute is only 5 minutes as opposed to 45, and I have a great group of girlfriends that I love and adore. Ryan and I both are more busy socially than we ever were in DFW, believe it or not.  THAT is the fantastic part!

Other than that, our lives are less than perfect.  We are still homeless since our home in Arlington hasn't sold, and because of that, I feel like we are still in limbo and haven't officially moved.  The kids feel it, too, so we're just praying praying praying for God to show His huge miraculous hands in our lives.  I pray daily to see His will for us.

Before I get into exactly what I don't want to (the reason that I haven't posted, see above), I'll stop here. I hope to add hilarious quotes from my children as well as equally hilarious and adorable pictures on a more consistent basis. My fans are so important to me (stop laughing right now!), so I will not let you down.

Peace out until the next post.

New addiction

Since we've been homebound for a week after Renner's surgery, I have found a new show to waste my time: Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood. Oh my gosh, I love it! They had a marathon yesterday and don't think I got hooked and even had to record a few. LOVE IT.

On a more serious note, I want to recommend a great devotional book, Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow.  My friend, Stephanie, recommended it to me, and it's great. If you are a stressball like me, this is perfect for you! The book I got has a study/devotional section in the back. I don't know if they're all like that, but I really like it. It focuses on memorizing scripture to help anxiety and change it to contentment.  I told you the old age would help the blog.

Lame-o Summer

Last summer I made sure to be the best mom or at least attempt that goal. I had plans, sometimes free, for my kids at least 4 out of the 5 day work week. It was really fun! Last summer we also took a wonderful family vacation to Florida to visit Ryan's side of the family. It was so much fun!  This summer has been so different. I feel like it's wasted away, and my kids have been home way too much. Don't get me wrong, we've gone swimming at least once a week, but we've only gone to story time twice and then nothing else. No zoo, no Six Flags (even though we have passes), no parks, no nothin'. Nothing else (wah wah Debbie Downer music). Actually, we have gone to my mom's a few times, and it has been fun. She lives in the country or "in the forest" as Elle calls it "Grammy's forest", and they love it! We even gained a pet there a few weeks ago. You can see lots of these pictures in the new photo album I added on the left side ("Summer Fun"). Even though the fun factor hasn't been part of our summer, we have been some busy bees this summer!
House for sale? Check.
Renner's tonsils and adenoids out? Check.
Quit my job and found a new one in El Paso? Check.
Move date? Check (next week).
Another year older, Jen? Check.
So, as lame as it's been, the summer has been busy on my end.  I haven't posted many blogs because I haven't felt any inspiration or had any hilarious things to add. I think being busy and stressed completely wipes out my sense of humor. Or maybe it's that I'm old and decrepit now that I'm 32.  Maybe being 32 will make me wise and mature with even more inspiration and spiritual insight to give you. If you're rolling on the floor laughing right now, you're not the only one!
Happy Summer. It's almost over.

Mom or Mermaid?

After a very hard day with my strong-willed 4 year old, this conversation was much needed!
Date of conversation: today
Time of conversation: about 30 minutes ago (yes, way past her bedtime)

E: Mom, when someone has a baby, how does it zip back up?
Me: What, the belly?
E: Yeah, where is the zipper?
Me (pissed and tired, not ready to have this BABIES COME OUT OF THE VAGINA most of the time conversation):  There isn't a zipper. The doctors just know how to do it.
E: But how? (She NEVER gives up!)
Me (way too tired for this): They cut you open and sew it back (I just resort to C section talk even though I've never had one. Much easier than the vagina talk).
E: How?
Me: They just do. It hurts a little, but it's ok.
E: Oh, I don't want to be a mom.
Me: Ok, you don't have to make that decision right now.
E: Can I just be a mermaid?
Me: Yes, for Halloween.
E: No, mom, a real one. I want to me a mermaid, not a mom.

I love these conversations. They keep me from taking life too seriously.

Fresh Buttknuckle

No, this is not one of those email games where you choose the first letter of your name to correspond with some superhero name. These are Elle's two new words. Yes, you are reading correctly: Fresh and Buttknuckle.  I must say she uses "fresh" in a very cool and correct kind of way. For example, "Mom, my blue Mariposa Fairy is so fresh." I'm assuming she means "cool", but she's just so uber-hip that she can't say "cool", right?
Now, for buttknuckle. Hmmm, I have no clue where she got this, because I assure you that I've never used the two words together. I'm sure she heard it on the trash TV we let her watch. Damn Disney! She uses these words at least 120 times a day, seriously.
When she asks, "Is buttknuckle not nice?" I realize how hard it is to explain connotation to a 4 year old.  I mean, do I really care if she says buttknuckle? Do I even know what a buttknuckle is? So, FYI, you ARE allowed to say buttknuckle in our house, in the odd chance that you should visit, but you shouldn't say it if you're calling someone a buttknuckle to be mean.
Although it makes me laugh, it makes me realize that every moment is a teaching moment.  I'm learning that teaching includes attention and attentiveness almost every minute. Just today, for example, we talked about how far God is in the sky and why my ex-student and waitress "looks like a boy". Yes, my 4-year old is learning about spiritual dimensions and lesbians. So, as Elle let her balloon go to try to "get to God" and whispered (thank you Lord!) that "M--- looks like a boy", I realized that motherhood is definitely a go with the flow, change a day, kind of life.
Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with my children. Thank you for thinking that I can handle this job. You know that I can't do it without you. Thank you, Jesus.

She is My Child

She is so much sweeter than I've ever been, but she definitely got my silly gene.  I guess tonight was dress up night. Here's a preview.

And my little Kung Fu Fairy

Gotta love her. This last outfit is size 12-18 months. She wore it for her 2nd Halloween when she was only 18 months. She still tries to wear it, backwards, of course.

Banner help!

Oh my, how I admire all of you creative geniuses out there who have a self-made banner. Do you see my handiwork? Thanks to Shabby Miss Jenn and 2 Peas it looks kind of cute (ok, or at least I think so), BUT the size. Oh, the size (that's what she said). Do you know I worked on this last night to have a vertical banner, a backwards vertical banner, a teensy tiny banner, to me giving up and going to bed. Tonight the kids are asleep and I thought I could definitely figure this out. Oh, but no. JUST LOOK AT IT.
I NEED HELP! Anyone? Anyone? I read the "how to's" on Typepad, but obviously, I am not savvy enough for them because they didn't spell it out for me. Or, maybe it's that I can't add. I dunno. HELP.
I'm leaving it because I worked on it for a freakin' hour. That doesn't count the hour or two from last night. Sigh to banners. Cute blogs are way overrated and under appreciated!

Guilty Pleasures or Secret Vices?

My friend Angela was inspired to blog this after reading our friend Juli's blog, and now, well, you get the picture.
The question is What are Your GUILTY PLEASURES? Well, I'm just going to turn it into confessional because my guilty pleasures tend to all be pretty sinful and definitely vices.
Here ya go.
1) Cussing. Yes, I cuss. Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I even go to church and listen to Christian music. Obviously not enough. I can't tell you how awful this is, but it is such a guilty vice (and pleasure, to be completely honest). I know, I know, I have two small children, and let's be honest, "Earmuffs" doesn't really work. So, yes, I am working on this, but I'm certain that working with the teenage population of our country on a daily basis for eight years has only contributed to this bad bad habit. My favorite words, well, I can't even write all of those on here, but you can get the idea. And maybe I've just really been working with the immature too long, but add the word "ass" to the end of anything, and it's pretty freakin' hilarious (dumbass, longass, stupidass). You got it, right? Go ahead, and pray for my sad soul. I'll just be cussing you out here in Texas.

2) Eating. I mean, who knew that it could be so wonderful? I love to eat. I read Juli and Angela's blogs, and just really felt sorry for their skinny asses (see, much funnier that "souls" or "selves", right?).  M&M's, candy stores, blah, blah, blah. I'm talking the big stuff, girls. I love food. Plain and simple. I have to watch it so that I'm not the size of my home state, but on occasion, I allow myself that entire pan of brownies that I baked. I seriously have to stop writing about this now. It's 11 p.m. and I have to be at work at 7.  I really don't have time to bake brownies (or do I? Hmmm). Ok, so there it is. Food. Fatass (you laughed. ADMIT IT.).

3) Naps. Love them! I love to sleep at anytime, actually. And, no Miss Angela, I don't have to have a clean house in order to fall asleep. I actually think that sleeping has become a defense mechanism because I tend to want to go to sleep when my house gets overwhelmingly messy (most of the time!).

4) Shopping. Mainly at Target and Marshall's, but I love to shop. I love to find bargains.  I love to find fun things. I tend to buy things that I never use. I'm learning this as we're trying to get ready to sell the house.

5) Blogs and Internet. I'm telling you, it's a problem.  Now that I have a laptop, it's even worse. I love to read other people and actually feel more educated from reading other women's, mostly stay-at-home moms, blogs. And yes, I AM an English teacher. So civilized am I. F Shakespeare(refer back to vice #1)! Give me some Dooce or Bakerella, baby!

There ya go. I hope I've inspired you to be the awful person you truly are inside and just come out with it. Please don't judge. Or, you know what? DO IT.  Judge me! Pray for me! Love me just as I love you.

Goodnight dear diary (I'm seriously the biggest dork ever. Why I am trying to be like Carrie? I promise it's the only time that will happen).